friend-locked for good.

been feeling jittery of late. such inexplicable case of nerves. from where, of what? short sentences see? it makes for the stuccato rhythmn and reminds me of my fellow future course mates who speak in faux american accents while really trying to acquire a british one and spout theories on The- Fall -of- Man and is Shakespeare-the-real-bard. =(

reading people's blogs drives me nuts. it's time wasting, inferiority complex enhancing and a total hair raiser/ stomach curler. i guess i should attribute all these to jealousy maybe? envy? wistfulness? that i can write like them, show of pictures of hundreds of glossy shoppings bags. what is it? been reading this ex-classmate's blog ( okay, well really, alot of ex classmates') and i wondered how we ever managed to be in the same class. the thing sthey do in their spare time, the books they read, the critical comments they make of foreign films, am i awed? am i jealous? or am i just plain wistful that i want to be like them but i know i'll never be like them even in the million years to come. 

i don't mean to say that i equate such film watching, french spouting, shakespeare quoting to be the essense of sophistication. i don't even think that such things are important in life. ( everytime i strive to place myself in such a position, i think of my dad and i am immediately humbled that there are greater things in life and tenacity and faithfulness and love aren't myths or a pretty legend spun for gullible ears) while i do believe that an appreciation of such things ( or at least an open mind) is sufficient, you know, in case we get too nearthedral, i feel left behind, wildly rooted to a spot while i crave something much further, like the road ahead to such academic perfection seems to lie so very far away. and the worst thing, perhaps the worst possible feeling in the world is that everybody is in a far better place than you all further down the road to academia than you'll ever be in your life. i'm afraid of that. i'm afraid of being stupid of not learning about thing.s but more afraid am i of people knowing of this place where i spill my fears. i can't rmb who i've mentioned this address to when i was still using it to write frivolous stuff. i've deleted blog entries too raw for the naked eye yet it cannot stop the wrenching tingles in my mind that there's somebody out there still lurking around. 

paranoia this is.

sigh. i hate blogging. this endless-supposed-t0-be-cathartic cycle just goes round and round and never satisfies. yet there's nowhere else i know of to pour out words of despair and frustration. it's so strange because i always considered myself to be a people-person yet now i can't seem to tell anyone at all how i feel and even if i did, it comes out all trivialised and i end up listening to the other partiess Greater-Troubles in life. i jsut want sympathy. damnit, to be mollycoddled, pampered, protected,secure. yet cynicism creeps in at the worst of times and i scoff at such acts of vulnerability. oh grace, where has your humanity gone? have you been scarred by past experiences that you are unable to bend with the wind now?  hast hat little soft heart of yours grown hard and cold, or are you just forcing it to be to stop it from getting hurt again? don't you believe in greater things anymore? higher things? 

yet this strange cynicism is starting to scare me. it makes me feel like i don't need anybody anymore. yet i instictively know i do. i crave human companionship of the closest kind and i expect nothing less. my family, they come first, the pureness of my relationship with my god, but where does that leave the rest? i can't do without the other people in my life that i know. but something seems to have tainted my relationship with one. i am no longer clingy and dependent. i no longer hold on for emotional security and pretty words seem to hold no more meaning for me. kisses. kisses. kisses. they feel strange now. like it's not my rightful possesion. like it's been tainted and scarred and they no longer hold the same glory anymore. 

somebody once told me about this man who cut had some kind of cancer and had to cut of his penis and substituted it with his middle finger. he couldn't take it after awhile and had it removed. another story tells of a time aman removed his family jewels and had it replaced with that of another man's. yet he too coudln't take it and had to get it removed. do i feel that way too? i guess it's the same essence. that feeling of a displaced ownership. it's no longer mine. MY family jewels, replaced with something else and at night i see visions of this and that and i think of how the devil is having a chuckle over the control he has on my mind, the way he plants al these images to make me lose hope, faith, love and everythign else that seem to define who i am. 

a year ago i had all these happy images of myself getting married one day, having kids, having a house and family like my mom and dad, getting through daily scuffles with a man strong in mind body and spirit by my side. yet now when i think of marriage i think of divorces, orphans, too many, too much, it's disgusting. it hink of how the man of my life would just walk out on me if i had some kind of cancer, a down syndrom child, a disabilities, an amputated limb. what hapened to through thick and thin? i'm not even sure if my husband would stay if i put on 10kg. what has become of me?

then there's the issues of school, of people, friends, relatiohships, fmaily, church, the unrelenting academic pursuits and the need to work to pay off debts in life for milestones i haven't even crossed and things in my mind go a little crazy. like it's too much. like i'm doing too much with no one to hold around me and the path gets awfully dark and cold and scary. yet i dont' want anyone around becasue i'm afraid too. afraid that i'll get betrayed. afraid that they'd let me down or worst, afraid that i would hurt them.

then i think of stories i've read., of people telling me things about myself. and i feel absurdly like harry potter going crazy becasue he thinks he's turning into voldemort. i remember someone agreeing that 'you're not a bad person, just a good person that bad things happen to' and others telling me that' i'm the strongest they've ever met, the sweetest, the loveliest. i remember the laughter, that cradling of my head against a chest with a heart beating with love for me, i remember the tears that fell the night we decided to part, but most of all, i remember the hands that reached out to hold mine once again in a room i'd never have stepped in before ( how ironic) and the threads of gratitude and (could it even be called?) love reached out to bind and hold. the kisses are strange now, like friendly pecks, yet i do not deny the intensity that courses through my body with each tight embrace, and the kisses on my forehead when we are close. such warmth that douses out that cold cold sensation of loneliness and fear.

almost eight months. 

i am afraid of 'iloveyous' and 'imissyous' now. i'm afraid of raised hopes and that cold misearble feeling of dread and loneliness.

then there are other things i remember. something that has kept me going all these months, all these years. that familiar sense of security that the highest answers are available when i'm at my lowest and i'm down on my knees. the memory of sleepless nights praying for my work, praying that a certain history tutorial will be alright, all his tutotirals will be alright, praying that work at the gym would not be a disaster, that there would be favour and showers of blessings, praying that examinations will be alright despite the inadequate preparations put in, praying that my soul and heart would heal when wounds lacerated it and acid spilled in places of my heart i never knew existed, praying that i would have the strength to get through, not only the day, but the next hour, when days where so bad i broke down my days into hafl an hour slots and begged for mercy in a tumultous world. 

and He's never let me go, through it all. every baby step, every walk i make, every progress, so richly applauded and encouraged, every fall i make, so gently uplifted. and it makes me feel ashamed, washed with humility, humbled at the thought of how in my flawed humanity, i've caused him the exact same hurt that caused such cynicism, fear and frustration in me. not even the same hurt but worst. i've been betrayed, kicked, stabbed, and a other dozen litany of things yet i've not only done the same, i've done things with the full knowledget hat it was wrong not just once, but so many many many times. yet He constatnly chooses to forgive, to awe me each day with his graces. what more can i say?

and so becasue of that, although i'm stricken with fear about things to come and although i seem to lose heart now about things that i once treasured, such cynicism enstrangling me, i choose, becasue choice, above all else is the single, most powerful weapon a person can have. and i will choose to soldier on, i will choose to despite everything, believe that love still exists, that in the end, everythign will be perfect and just that way it's meant to be, that trials are mere little obstacles meant to strengthen and not to weaken, meant to mold and shape and not consume you. i'll beieve in everything good in mankind and above all else, that love really is the strongest uniting force of all becasue i've been shown time and time again in my ( almost disgusting) life that it brings people through. 

and desperately, i want to love like that. i want to love with wild abandonment. of not being afraid to get hurt once again, of not being afraid of rejection. it would ahve been so easy, to jsut walk away and find someone easier, to hang out with the 'cool crowd' but it would never have been satisfactory. i'm glad of how my life has taken shape but God, jsut one last thing, teach me to love again, please. 

wholeheartedly, unashamedly, without restraint.

-edited-

Everyone needs compassion
A love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me

i've been having good/great times recently. so good and great and comfortable that i've been starting to seek God only when i remember Him before i fall asleep at night. and prayers these days consist only of a quick jumble of words before darkness takes over my mind and i fall asleep. 

Gra-ce Heng Gra-ce Heng, do you honestly need life to be difficult before you'll constantly remember your maker. why don't you learn? in your darkness days it was so easy to be amazed, so easy to wake up only to fall on your knees and pray that the day would go alright and you've always always been delivered out of your egypt 

Everyone needs forgiveness
A kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations 

until now, do you still not believe that a God exists, that He's real, that He's not just a figment of imagination made up by radical factions of society? All the personal miracles you've seen, has it not been enough to ground you?

being involved and committed. a hen that lays the eggs is involved. the pig that gave the ham was committed. mentally you know that you want to be committed and not just involved. yet your flawed humanity impedes you. strings of sin that connect you to the devil still entwined in hell's fingers so much so that every step back to God is a struggle to break free. so easily he pulls on those strings you've so willingly allowed to tie around your mind. who's your master now? who controls you? does he use money to control you, lust, fame, glory, parental/peer pressures?

yet God is mighty to save. not is He only mighty to save, He's willing to save. and you've abandoned him for frivolity and short term gains. 

Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to save
He is Mighty to save 

yesterday at mother's cell, we were asked to share what we are thankful about and i replied only one thing i could think of " i'm grateful that i've been a christian for so long yet everyday i'm still able to be constantly amazed by my God" constant amazement. that's the key to any relationship i think. to find something new everyday to be filled with joy about, not to rely on old feelings or good memories to fuel the relationship meter forward but to refilled everyday, constantly being amazed, overjoyed and loved by the partner of your dreams and God's constant. more constant than anything in the fluctuating world. just remember that. He's forever.

Forever
Author of salvation 

i don't think i've ever felt more gratitude for anything or anybody in my life. i cannot deny the deliverance. i cannot deny the miracles and i even more cannot deny His love yet in life and every step of the way, sometimes i seem to be denying his very self. foolish i know, because His ways are the only good ones. funny how some people think that His commandments are jailing and restrictive, putting a damper on an otherwise "fun" life. they are boundaries for me. safe boundaries i know that i'll be safe in if i just stick to them. honour your parents, and i know that i'll be free from a destitute life, study hard, and i know i'll have a good life, steer clear from premarital sex and i know i wouldn't hav eto worry about pregnancy, avoid alcohol and i would have liver trouble etcetcetc. 

He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave 

yet who am i to judge? i cannot and i will not because i'm just as flawed as everybody around me. i only hope that in this life i would be able to love as unconditionally as God does. flawed, scarred, yet redeemed and loved. it's been difficult, loving those who don't love you back, loving those nobody loves, loving those who have all the access to hurt you where you're most vulnerable. But i know God heals. i just want to be a willing vessel. i've abandoned hopes of being perfect. i'll nv look like gisele bu-undchen, tyr-a banks or any other hot supermodel but i wouldn't stop trying to be perfect in God. if i'm alright inside, i'm sure it'll show and it'll look better than any SK-II cream would ever do. maturity and wisdom grace maturity and wisdom. you've been blessed wiht so much of it. keep it close.

So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again

 I give my life to follow
Everything i believe in
Now i surrender 

Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus

uni orientation camps are looming and i don't know whether to go. the issue of finances weigh heavily on the side, majors, minors, matriculation, jobs, teachers, loneliness, the baby gym, tutees, everydaymanymanymany things to do, relationships with people, yet i'm strangely calm this time. i've been through and gotten through so much more and now all these sound so.. trivial. everything i need, it'll come and suddenly at the age of 19, i seemed to have attained nirvana. 

-edited-
national libbing with gable today. he's growing up so fast. such a hunk now! =)
i jsut want to go around and snap photos of everyone man. i want to snap about 2 billion, then i'd develop all of them then one fine night quietly steal away intot he night and leave everybody's lives and nv return again. and on cold nights in my cave when i pine for the warmth of companionship, i would look through the photos and know that they are all living happy lives, jsut like how my photos capture them.

strange how life turns out sometimes.

i'm sitting here in a whirlwind of mental thoughts now, slowly trying to sift things out, filter- something out, sort stuff through yet it just goes round and round in cricles and i have no idea what i'm doing or even why i'm doing it. i should just leave all my thoughts there in peace to sort themselves up. what for stir up trouble when it just lies there harmless and sublime.

it's in moments of such melancholy that the green eye monster rears its ugly head and comes hand in hand with it's inferiority complex brother. i seem to constantly yearn something greater, richer, coloured, oh such decadent things, more more more, a gap/ void (?) that nv seems to be fulfilled yet i'm torn into two, a swinging ambivalence because i'm convinved my genreal DNA is made up of happy cells- happy contented cells and all these angst and ennui has no rightful place here. i should out there somewhere shelving such thoughts away and doing stupid things like screaming with my younger brother, runing around, trying to snatch pillows and having mock battles with him because we laugh and the laughter carries away all these weird feelings.. feelings that i can't even put a finger on and assert what kind it is. i'm not sad, not scared, not angry not upset, not anything. i'm just sitting here. sorting my thoughts. yeah that's it and likewise as i've just demonstrated, i've come round in circles again.

as tania goes.. circle circle. dot dot. over and over again. you try it circle. circle. dot dot. just say it over and over again. it's additive and maybe then you'll understand the state of my mind.

i've things to do though. instead of just istting here like the sloth i am. stuff like uni accomodation and a jap exam to study for yet i can't bring myself to do anything. no wonder great thinkers speperate bodly functions from analysis. too much analysis in the world makes you screwed up and that's when your bodily functions steps in to guide you. you can't screw up with nature. go organic. wheee. my stomach still tells me i'm hungry. eat. my bladder tells me its' full. go to thebathroom. my eyes tell me they a re tired. go sleep and like an obedient child, i listen, and my life takes on a semblance of natural form once again.

i really should be studying for my jap instead of typing out such endless rubbish. yet each time i pick up my minna no nihongo my thoughts fly to when i would have to leave for living in halls and leave my family behind. i cannot cannot cannot bear to leave gable all at home alone on days he comes back from school. maybe i'm too ego. i think that he would be lonely and sad without me witout realising that i would be the sad and lonely one without him. i cannot imagine him all alone with andre off to uni in the states and me off to living in hall and him all alone here. i'd just made my decision to stay in hall yday when a small volcano erupted at home and gable was whacked. =(. even i it's for selfish reasons, i still want to stick around to watch my brother grow up.

bah. it feel slike andre leaving all over again. why can't NTU be next door =( 

blogging is supposed to be cathartic isn't it. but how can one free themselves when they have to explain every detail to everyone? bah. such 'free writing', where my mind leads as my finger types in mental loop de loops.

doodeedoodeedoo. it's time to consider a hermit inspired lifestyle. hoho.

okay, so the new home feels weird. i mean, this is a place to house my thoughts and feelings isn't it.. and yet it doesn't seem at all to have to ability in the least to reflect who i am. must be the simplicity of it all. No doubt, i'm a nice and simple person but the definite lack of a sprinkle of glitter here and there on these pages, several butterflies affixed on the top right hand corner and maybe some pretty fairies at the bottomdoes seem to get to me. oh well. i guess i'll just contend that these pages are no-frills-displays-the-very-ESSENCE-of-my-thoughts like. sigh. can you tell i don't like how this page looks. maybe i should move back to blogger but i don't like it's new google sign in. BAH. you cannot have your cake and eat it man.

okay, another reason why i moved to livejournal is so i can KPO about people's lives. so if you're reading this and i haven't spoken to you in a long time, please leave a comment so we can start the ball rolling and within a day or two i should be able to blackmail you with all you've done the past month we've not been in contact. of course, if you wish to spill all your sordid little secrets, by all means man,please spill them to my email account (:

So instead of embellishing everybody with the angst conjured by the fact that my new page is UGLY and why i decided to move here. which incidentally, i still love perfection- ofcourse, it'll always have this very special place in my heart so i'm going to just update by drafts there for all those angsty moments in my fading teenage life that you shouldn't read about coz it would spoil your otherwise very sunshiney day (: .-mentally prepares a long rambling draft about ugly webpages-  i shall just leave you with my favourite photo from my trip to spain!and since my elder brother deserves some credit for being absolutely fantastic on our trip there..
THANK YOU VERY MUCH TO THE MOST AMAZING ELDER BROTHER ON EARTH (: